Aim the Mind Review

This review was from Jason: http://www.aimthemind.blogspot.com/

This book stakes a claim for thinking as a Christian about emotional intimacy. The stakes are never higher than they are now. The increasingly early sexualization of our youths reveals a deep-set cry of confusion and sorrow that the church must answer with biblical wisdom. This book has taken the pioneer’s first step toward composing the necessary response to a growing problem in the church: hazily defined intimate relationships without commitment.

All true Christians appreciate the value of sexual purity. But what do we know about emotional purity? What do today’s Christian singles know about keeping our hearts free of emotional entanglements with believers of the opposite sex? How many stories do we have to hear about believers giving up their hearts to one another before marriage (even before dating) only to have them broken by assumptions, ungrounded hopes and dreams, and misguided expectations?If all young Christian singles, particularly women, were to read and absorb this book today, I believe there would be a small revolution in Titus 2 femininity across the evangelical landscape. The book’s message is that crucial, especially in today’s relationship milieu.

The book begins with a lengthy fictional scenario about Tracy and Mike, two Christian singles who have a platonic relationship that ends in emotional devastation for Tracy. The story depicts the all too familiar cycle of a pair hanging out, pouring out their hearts to one another, building up to what appears to be a romantic relationship, and then the falling out as one (in this case Mike) shatters the assumptions of the other. This story becomes the central reference point throughout the book—it’s careful depiction of a relationship seriously mishandled by two people driven by self-centered desires.

The rest of the book consists of fourteen concise chapters that congregate around several major themes. The final two chapters make up the conclusion of the work, with chapter 16 serving as a real-life bridge from the author’s singleness to marriage. Paulsen’s openness and concreteness strongly connect the message to its audience. I left the work feeling like I had a long, clear look into the author’s heart. Furthermore, enhancing the particular gravity of the book is the very fact tat the author wrote it when she was single herself. She writes in the introduction, "I am not sharing theory but real-life challenges and concerns as I and many others experience them" (12).

The book’s central premise is this: commitment before intimacy. It is a clarion call for followers of Jesus Christ to lay aside their selfish desires and protect one another (including themselves) from an emotional intimacy that "stirs feelings and senses that promote a bond, a union that God reserves for the marriage relationship" (33). Paulsen astutely places relational intimacy against the backdrop of our relationship with Christ (56, 60). This reminds us that everything in our lives must be patterned after God and set on giving Him the glory.

This also places a greater emphasis on marriage and on the "giving" aspect in male-female relationships, which are so prone to being abused for the selfish, temporary gains of comfort and ego-boosting. Paulsen writes, "God does not play games. He does not tease with emotional highs and lows to draw you to Him. He does not befriend you only to leave you at an emotional low while He goes on to the next emotional high with another friend. He asks for a solid commitment and does not take a halfhearted vow" (60). This is the kind of quote that stops the no-commitment, carefree relationship-monger dead in his or her tracks!

Many women will turn to this book only for help on dating or just guy-girl issues. These seekers will not be disappointed. Much of the middle section of the book thoughtfully deals with issues of men and women (especially their differences), and interactions with the opposite sex. This section can be summarized by a quote on p. 113: "There is a freedom in saving your emotions for your spouse and spending time in your single years in God’s private classroom. With God’s way, you protect emotions that are to be freely given to the mate of His choice for you." The author’s practical advice brims with everyday wisdom gained from life experience and from opening her heart to those older than her (esp. her parents). Such humility is much appreciated, especially on a subject that Scripture does not delineate in black-and-white terms.

The key points of practical insight from the meat of the book are—understanding the emotional nature of women, not defrauding a fellow believer by taking something from him/her (as in their emotions) that doesn’t belong to you, creating boundaries in opposite sex relationships, and controlling your thoughts so that you don’t indulge in fantasies nor presume upon the other person’s unvoiced intentions. Each theme is vividly explained, with each one reappearing multiple times in different contexts. This "theme and variations" approach to the content reinforces the themes and demonstrates how the same theme can be illuminated with spiritual benefit from multiple angles.

Appropriately, Paulsen also focuses her spotlight on our desires. She tackles common fears and misapprehensions of single believers. She writes, "Can you understand that being envious and not trusting God can create a wall between you and the Father? Does it excite you to be at a place of peace about your singleness? Our God is very giving, and we have no business seeking to please our wills (our flesh). Only He can satisfy the deepest longings of our souls" (74). She calls us to reorient our hearts and their all too often straying desires around God alone. To this end the sins of envy, jealousy, discontentment, and false thoughts ("unrealistic and make-believe thoughts," she calls them on p. 93) are targeted with a view to abhorring them and bringing every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. She knows firsthand how singles are all too prone to these wearisome sins. And she also knows firsthand how rejoicing in undistracted fellowship with the Lord is the key to being satisfied with singleness as a believer (100). She writes, "Since marriage requires laying aside our will and serving another, why not learn this in our single years?" (100). Well-stated and well worth applying immediately in order to demolish those self-serving strongholds that singles can so easily erect when marriage eludes them.

There is much of God and of savoring Him in this book—a quality that is sorely lacking in Christian books on practical issues. Perhaps this is most memorable trait. I was drawn to the book purely on the basis of its topic. But I was greatly pleased that the topic was filtered through the Lordship of Christ. As one who has ministered to singles, I’ve dealt with the issues of the book on a regular basis. And I’ve come to notice just how easily these issues can be diagnosed and dealt with at the total exclusion of God’s word. The flesh is very strong when it comes to relational matters and it’s first casualty is the acknowledgement of God in our minds to shed pure, divine light on what becomes obscured by personal cravings. Paulsen continually brings us back to the heart of emotional purity, which is our relationship to Christ and how that manifests itself in our sufficiency during singleness, our setting Him apart as the only Savior for all of our emotional needs (even in marriage), and our submitting to His glory in our desire for and our pursuit of marriage. Her emphasis on God’s sovereignty over singleness and marriage acts as a charge to all believers, a charge "to take a leap of faith by giving up our full control in finding a mate" (127).

In a book on relationships and guarding one’s heart, it is short on lists of do’s and don’ts. For that I am thankful to the author because by placing the emphasis on broader themes and general wisdom (couched in the particulars of her and other people’s actual experiences), she gets more mileage out of the message. We aren’t strapped to a set of relational rules. Rather we are freed up, equipped with Paulsen’s practical insight with Scriptural support in hand, to apply, by the Spirit, what we’ve learned to our own lives. If you want a relevant, personal, wise, and God-centered book on what it means to keep your heart free from relationship idols, turn to this encouraging resource